Cut the Shit

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!
How happy have I been over the last couple of days?
I think it is impossible for me to find the right words to explain it.
My brother is here and I can't seem to stop hugging him. He will be casually walking by the room and I find myself jumping up and tackling him to the ground...
We are getting along famously, as though he has never left, and last night there was a definite brother/brother gang up on the parents as we were playing a game of cards. Having my family all back together is the best gift I could have gotten this Christmas. Everyone is in GREAT moods and there hasn't been even a second of grief or frustration.
So far, this has been just about the best holiday ever.
Last night we put up our Christmas tree and I gave my parents my "special" gift. Giving my parents access to my journal was one of the riskiest and most perfect thing I could have ever done. After some tears were shed and some explanations were given, my family and I had the most intense and introspective conversation about my gay lifestyle. We exchanged our fears, our confusion, and and and!!!!!
And I never felt so good about being me ever in my life before.
My family loves me so much and it is apparant in everything that they do.
While I was feeling some apprehension about showing them some of my most private writings, they took it all with grace and wonder and I sit here today feeling as though I made the best and right decision.
They respect me and they are here for me.
What else could a gaylord like me ask for?
My mom also got Paul a gift and that was just about the sweetest thing anyone could have ever done. She truly does care. A great deal.
We played cards and drank booze (my mom sucking down the pot as though it was water) until the wee hours of the morning and then I passed out and experienced the most amazing night's sleep I have had since before I started at the Gap.
Today is CHRISTMAS EVE and we have MUCH planned.
My granny should be here within the hour and tonight we have some friends coming over. We will drink and laugh and share funny stories. We have about a thousand traditions and if we don't get started early, we will never accomplish them all. Lord knows we have to be in bed by midnight...Santa gets in around 1:30am and we must be fast asleep....
I have gone MUCHLY overboard in my purchases for my family. I just got back from the mall. I didn't necessarily NEED to buy more things, but what's a Christmas without me going to Crossgates and picking up a few last minute items. I saw just about everyone I went to highschool with and HOW PROUD did I feel when I explained to the few I talked to that I live in NYC and am just home for a couple of days...
"Oh Joe, we MUST get together before you go back"...
"Oh (insert highschool asshole's name here), you see...I just don't care about you anymore. See you never."
HA.
Back to NYC I go.
Tomorrow is a big day.
Presents and dinner and playing with all of my new toys. I have a feeling that my parents have really gone out on a limb for me this year. They do every year anyway, but this year....
This year I might be a bit embarrassed at their generosity.
Good. This bitch is poor and needs some new shit!
Tomorrow night, Mariah, Kelly, my brother, and maybe a few other randoms, will join me in going to the "Power Company", one of Albany's biggest and most ridiculous gay clubs. We will dance and drink Christmas night away and to be honest...I just can't wait. It feels SO good to show off my hot self at the club. Knowing that I will have some hot people with me to do the same thing make me gets jitters of excitement.
Time to take over the scene I tell ya!
I guess that's it for now...
I don't know if anyone will be reading this, but if you do...MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The only thing that would make this flawless is if Paul could be here with me.
Miss that booger like nothing else.
When he left yesterday morning, he sat and stared at me for about 10 minutes not speaking. I sat there doing the same.
Finally he said: "Joe, I just love you so much. I see you every day, yet I can't get over the fact that I have to spend the next week without you. You are the most important thing in my life."
I sat there stunned and said: "Could you make sure to lock the front door when you leave?"
NICE ONE JOE!
I did tell him I loved him. And I do miss him tremendously. It just feels so good that he cares so deeply about me. We really are finding our niche in this relationship and I feel incredibly happy and contented with where we are at right now.
HERE IS TO A BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT WEEK! No WORK! No having to deal with shithead customers at the GAP! NO NOTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO UNTIL JANUARY 2nd!
FUCKING ROCK!
MERRY CHIMMA! (As my granny would put it!)

Oh and Rita...we miss you tremendously. My parents read your card over and over this morning and my dad welled up with tears. Thank you for being you.
And by the way...did you get your RING yet???????????????????????????????
Off to play with my family some more!
Enjoy!

This will be my last entry until I see my brother, Christmas comes, and I get time off from both of my jobs!
I have decided to piece together bits and pieces of this journal and give it to my family as a special present for Christmas. Every year we try to give eachother gifts that are not soley based on money. We try to do special things.
In the past I have written poems, made photo collages, framed greeting cards (that was a VERY lean year), and even created coupons for free dish-washing, driveway shoveling, etc.
This year I wanted to share something with them that is very important to me; something that gives that some insight as to what I go through while I am here in NYC.
I can’t believe this year is over.
Gosh, it isn’t possible.
It really seems like just yesterday I was standing in Times Square saying “goodbye” to my brother and now in 72 hours I will be at the airport waiting for him to come home.
Uh…what?
I praise God that we all got through this year safely.
Thank you Lord for giving me the family and life that I have.
While I know that I complain day in and day out about how hard it is to be me and to live my life, deep down I know how truly easy I have it and how blessed I am.
I feel very lucky to be me.
The three most precious people in my life will join me in celebrating the most wonderful holiday of the year. The birth of our Lord.
Here’s to good times, great memories, and an overall beautiful couple of weeks.

2002 is OVAH!

What a day!
I have so much to say, but am unsure if I am going to have the time to say it.
Will do my absolute best to stop in here a little bit later.
Until then...please feel free to visit Rita's friend Monkey.

WOW. I am writing this only to remind myself of something that just happened. PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES.
Don't forget Joe. When things turn around and you are happy and care-free and trust in people for who they are...don't forget that they will do shit just to get under your skin anyway.

Happy 22nd Birthday to KELLY!

I hope you do exactly what you want to do on this beautiful Tuesday. Enjoy it to the absolute fullest. You are my best friend and my lover.
cept not so much lover. Damn that pesky twat of yours! I love you! DO IT UP DAWG!

Now back to me...
:)
I don't know why, but I am having the worst day on the planet. I feel sad, angry, lonely, and just about every other nasty emotion possible in the human body. I don't get it. I woke up alive and rested (although I only got 5 hours of sleep) and ready to tackle my shit day. I am starting to get a headache and I have done nothing to make it go away. I haven't done even a second of Christmas shopping and we are just about a week away. I don't want to spend the money and I know that the money I will spend will not be enough for me to do anything really special for my family. It is a bit frustrating, but not one of the reasons why I am miserable today.
Will get to all of this in a minute.

I walked into the Gap last night with my mind made up. I was giving my two weeks notice and that was that! So I sit down with my General Manager and this is how the convesation went:

Me: Hi Kat. Thank you again for being so supportive and flexible with my schedule over the last week. I truly appreciate it.
Kat: No problem Joe. We are here for you as your boss and as your friend.
Me: (gagging) Right. Um...ok. Unfortunately, I think Saturday is going to be my last day.
Kat: What?? Why is that?
Me: Well, you see, I am unable to work from 12/23 - 1/3 (BIG NO NO in the seasonal retail world) and then after that, my availability is going to change drastically because I will be rehearsing for an upcoming show. (or so I thought last night)
Kat: Ok. Why can't you work during the week after Christmas?
Me: I want to spend the time with my family and my brother. He is here for two weeks and considering the fact that I haven't seen him in almost a year, I think it would be appropriate for me to spend as much time with him as I can.
Kat: Well, I understand completely where you are coming from and I would like you to know that we value you immensely as an employee here. I want you to stay on at least through the season. Take all the time you need over Christmas and New Years. I will put you back on the schedule starting on January 3rd.
Me: (UGH! I can't quit this job to save my life!) Wow. That is incredibly generous of you.
Kat: What would your availability be once you returned on January 3rd?
Me: I have full availability from 1/3 - 1/10, but after that I am only able to work Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 6-11pm and then Saturdays from 12-6pm. It's not much and I know you hired me for seasonal, but that is what I am going to have to do.
Kat: I think that's fine. We would rather have you on staff than not, so why don't you write down this new availability and I will work around it.
Me: (UM!) Ok...thank you so much for being so understanding and helpful. When does the season end?
Kat: Seasonal employees are hired for about 3 months and then depending on the stores' needs, you may or may not be asked to join us full time. (meaning part time hours, but full gap employee status)(my biggest nightmare on the planet)
Me: Great. Then I guess we can meet by the end of January to discuss my future employment here.
Kat: Sounds good to me. And again Joe, I want you to know that we really do value the work you do here. It does not go unnoticed.
We hug.
----END SCENE----

It is quite clear to me that I am going to be working at the Gap for the rest of my life. You would think that one fake sick day, one fake death, and then completely changing my availability to suit my needs and my needs alone would be cause enough for a firing. But no! These people love me more for it.
Ah geez...on the plus side...I will still be making cash, which is nice. My last paycheck was for $412 and that looks very nice sitting in my savings account. :)
My goal is to have $1000 in there before this whole Gap thing is through.
I can't wait to work my last shift there on Saturday. The 10 days off from both of my jobs is just about the best Christmas present I could ever get.
Thank you for being born baby Jeebus.

I had a wonderful conversation with my mother this morning. She made me laugh pretty hard and she assisted in making this day just a bit better for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to stop the avalanche that is my personal strength today.
Tumbling and rolling down the mountain goes my optimistic view on life.

Kelly and I had a talk this morning about the show she and Megan are putting up next year. They are now doing three different shows that will perform at three different times throughout the year. Originally they were going to start work on a show called
Stupid Kids in January. I did this show in college and it was by FAR my favorite script to work with. It is a wonderful play, so complex and intriguing. It's a true audience favorite as well. I was very VERY excited to come back from Christmas and start work on this.
Unfortunately, Kelly tells me this morning that they have now decided to start work on this show in late April. They will be doing another show called Sexual Perversity in Chicago first. Work on this production will begin sometime during the 3rd week of January.
I am very excited for Kelly and Megan and for the fact that they are going in a definite direction with all of this.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am incredibly disappointed to find out that I will not be working on this with them.
Kelly and I sat down at the beginning of December and discussed, in great detail, a show called "A Bench at the Edge". Now, while I was not going to be acting much in the show, I was still going to be a very big part of the production. I told her, about two weeks ago, that I was going to be unable to start working on the show until the second week of January due to my schedule being completely filled up with two jobs, Christmas, and a boyfriend moving to New York City. She didn't seem too keen on waiting for me and has since changed everything with Megan. I understand why she did what she did, but it does sting a bit.
I was really excited.

Kelly sees me as a "consultant" for this new show. I am more than willing to help in whatever way I can, but through all of this, I have learned that I can't count on anyone else to get me started.
I have to get me started. I thought that working on this production with Kelly and her friend Megan was a great opportunity for me to dip my foot into the "acting" pool again; a way to feel and experience again what theater is all about before I try to go out and face the big, bad, scary world that is awaiting me.
But this isn't going to happen.
I feel a bit defeated today.
I guess this is what a career in acting is all about anyway. Nothing is ever a sure thing and ideas get formulated and changed all the time. It is the actor's responsibility to just go with the flow.
Which is what I will do.

:(

I truly hope that I will be able to get myself into an acting class and production come the new year. I want 2003 to be a lot different than 2001 and 2002 were. As I have said a million times previous, it takes one day to change your life.
Maybe January 1st will be this day.
:)
It is so hard to stay positive when there are constant curve balls being thrown at you.
I know I keep saying how much things are changing around me, but I must say it again:
Things are changing, drastically and fast.

Paul is increasingly more lonely in NYC despite the fact that I am there for him. I work way too much.
Rita is going through so many new changes and experiences.
Kelly is moving forward with her life and career.
I am working two jobs that are doing nothing, but making me feel inept and worthless.
I am poor.
And most importantly, I haven't been genuinely happy in months.

When is rock bottom?
How do I know if I have reached it?

I wish I could figure this all out.

I hate being 25.

So everyone has left work except for my boss and myself. It is DEAD in our office and there really is no need for us to be here. Unfortunately, I had to stay because I have to work at the Gap and there is really no need for me to go all the way home, to Paul's or to Ari's to hang out. Well, I could go to Ari's, but the temptation to smoke pot with her once I am there is way too great. I'll fall asleep on my face by 9pm if I get all jacked up right now.
:(
I want to leave early too!
Ah well....
10 more minutes and I will feebly make my way to the subway and bus.
Have I told you lately how much I truly hate the Gap?

Hate.

NO STRIKE!
Thank GOD!
sike. I keep telling myself that so I'm not pissed at all of the hype that has gone on in NYC over the past week. I mean, did any of us really believe that there was going to be a city wide transit strike? Obviously, we know it's too good to be true. I reconciled with the idea of no strike on Saturday, so that I wouldn't spend all day yesterday hoping and praying. I would be lying if I said I didn't immediatly turn on the tv at 12am to see what the deal was. And of COURSE (!) the strike was delayed.
The only thing that could be worse than NOT having a strike, is having one during the work day.
Either way we gotta stay at work and then...how do we get home??
Harumph!

Friday night, Paul and I went to Ian's soiree! It was a really great time. Actually, I'm a bit surprised at how much fun he and I had there. We didn't know many people, but both of us were able to make conversation very easily and everyone wanted to know our entire life story. We must have told how we met and fell in love about 36 times that evening. It was fun having everyone be interested in the reasons of why Joe and Paul are now living in NYC together. It was the first time in, well...maybe forever, that Paul and I were an actual TEAM. We drank some beers, ate some holiday cookies, and found our first gay couple to go on dates with!
Ian and his boyfriend David are just about the best. Paul was anti-Ian before the party, but 30 minutes into it and he was pulling me aside and telling me how great he thinks Ian really is. Ian's boyfriend, David, was pretty incredible too. He and Paul got along famously as Ian and I gossiped like two bitties in the corner. We made plans to get together after New Year's for dinner or a show or something.
How neat.

After the party, Paul and I jetted down to the restaurant that Kelly works at. It was beautiful! I really loved the style of the place. It was very warm and I thoroughly enjoyed being there. Kelly was busy counting out her tips and closing up, but we were able to talk to her for a bit. Paul and I had some very interesting and intense conversation while we were there. I tried to explain the reality of "depression" to him as he sat there and told me that he has "depression" too. It was rough going for a bit, but I think I got my point across. Eventually he was able to listen to what I was saying without trying to compare and compete with me.
You see, with a lot of gay relationships, there is this unnecessary desire to turn everything into competition. I think it is based on jealousy, but that could be just my scenario. It tends to be somewhat difficult to have two people of the same sex share friends, make different salaries, etc. Sometimes things just become a big game of who is better than who...
Paul tends to do this with me alot.
If I say I struggle with depression, Paul says that he "has depression too" because he "gets sad alot".
Ugh.
If I say that I am working a lot this week, Paul says that he has "worked his ass off for the last 4 years".
And so on and so forth...
I am really tring to break him of this habit, but it is hard. I find myself choosing my words very carefully as to avoid any sort of argument as to who is the stronger individual.

I have decided that I am putting my two weeks in at the Gap. At least I THINK that is what I have decided. I was on the subway this morning, analyzing my plan of attack. I was told yesterday that if we don't work the week of Christmas, we will be scheduled on New Year's Eve and New Year's day as stock people. We would get paid time and a half, but really...is it worth it?
never.
I think I am going to tell them that this satruday is my last day. Essentially it is two week's notice, cuz I have all next week off due to Christmas and my brother coming home.
But I don't necessarily want to leave permanently. I really wish I could work 2 or 3 shifts a week there. But at this point, that is impossible. Besides, I am VERY excited to get to work on the play that Kelly and her friend Megan are putting together.
(Oh yeah...Kelly and her friend Megan are putting together another show.)
And they want me to be a part of it. YAY!
I will miss the people that I work with. They are all so totally nice and appreciative of me. If the job wasn't such dook...
And more importantly, if my schedule wasn't such hell.
Aw well. LATAS GAP!
It was good for the 6 weeks it lasted.
Luckily I work this Saturday at 6am. They will kick me right in the nuts as I leave...

Tomorrow is Kelly's 22nd birthday! And also my friend Randy's! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!
Kelly and Rita are planning on having some food and drinks. I wish I could be there, but I knew going into this week that it was going to be completely impossible. Unfortunately, I am off Wed. and Thursday of this week. The only woman that could have switched shifts with me told me that she doesn't work after 10pm and since I work till 12am that night, it's a no go.
Kelly and I had a talk about it last week, so at least I know she won't hate me for not being around.
Whatevs Kel! We will go to the Power Company on Christmas night to celebrate! WHOO HOO!

Paul and I watched The Laramie Project last night.
We had been wanting to see it for months and we finally just rented it. I must admit that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. As far as content goes, it was a beautifully written and emotionally powerful movie.
As far as a movie goes, I was left wanting a bit more. I got a bit tired at the end and started to fade out rapidly. But maybe that was because I worked an 11 hour shift yesterday.
I was extremely moved by particular scenes of the movie and I do recommend that everyone on the planet see it at some point.
If you have any problem understanding the difference between straight people and gay people, this movie will make the message clear.
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
Please see this movie.

Ok...one of my gay internet friends wants to talk...
Must go stare at his beautiful body for awhile.
:-D
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
but also
no ha's.



ha.

FRIDAY!
FRIDAY!
FRIDAY!
WHOOOOOOOOO!
I just ate my breakfast and now I am counting the minutes until this office closes.
Last night's dinner at Cafe Orlin started out a bit rough, but ended up being a fantastic good time. I bit Paul's head off at one point and then he ripped my nuts off and then we both sat there bleeding for about an hour. I told him to "just go home" during one of his little "bitch at Joe" sessions and then he almost did. The rest of the night, no matter what I said or did, had no affect on Paul "Sally Sad Pants". He was pissed off. He was quiet and he obviously just wanted to be left alone. It was rather frustrating.
Cuz really...
Get the fuck over it.
I find myself constantly biting my tongue at the things he says and I just "get over it".
I think we may be spending too much time together. We will have a little break this weekend. He is going out with friends of his on Saturday night and I am hanging out with Miss Reets. We may either go to a party on Long Island or we may stay in and watch movies or maybe we will fuck the shit out of eachother.
without condoms.
um.
I don't know. Don't ask me why that just came out of my fingertips, but it did.

Tonight Paul and I are going to Ian's party for a bit. Then we will go to where Kelly works and have a drink. Then we will probably go out to some gay place and grind on eachother for a couple of hours. Sweaty, drunken, fun.
Okay never.
I'm lucky if we even kiss eachother goodnight at this point.

SO!
Have we all seen the new plans for the NEW YORK CITY 9/11 rebuilding?
If you haven't seen a picture of what they plan to do, you are going to die of shock! They want to build a beach that sits on the edge of the east village. They also want to put up an ice rink, all of these crazy shops, 10,000 new apartments, and best of all.......a floating meadow.
Now what IS a floating meadow, you ask?
Well you see, it's a huge plot of grassy land that will be towed by boat around the island. My understanding is that you go onto the floating meadow to have a nice picnic lunch, then sit on it as you go floating by the entire outling edge of the city.
IT'S SO WEIRD! And so COOL!
I want a floating meadow to drive me to work.
Magine?
Ok...I just got some pretty great news.
As it is, I have off the entire week of Christmas from work. I also have New Year's Eve and New Year's Day off from work as well.
And now the piece de resistance is that I have off 12/30 too! That means I have 9 days off from work! That is more than I had off during my vacation to Florida this summer. What is this place? The best?!
So many days...so many days...
I really can't wait until the 23rd hits. What a fucking great holiday it's going to be this year.
I think it's fair for me to have a good Christmas, considering that Thanksgiving was a complete wash.

Good times, great tastes.

I had such a great time hanging out with Rita and Kelly last night. I miss them tremendously. I got kinda drunk and actually was the only one who was that way. The rest of them were pretty sober and I was stumbling around like a mad man. It's kinda fun to be that way once in awhile.
So, we are hastily making preparations for our transit strike!
YAY!
Can we PLEASE have more days off????
At this rate, I NEVER have to go to work.
We will all find out on Sunday night (monday morning) at 12am if don't have to go to work.
Please please please please.
Please and carrots.
Alrighty. I'm out!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Hopefully I won't see you here on Monday morning!

It's THURSDAY!
I don't have to be back at the Gap until Sunday. I will be mourning the loss of my uncle until that day.
Man, I am a scumbag in it's truest form.
But a scumbag that doesn't have to work!
Every morning when I come in, my boss has to come out, prop himself on my desk and instigate some increasingly stupid bantar about how I must be so tired working two jobs and living the life of a 25 year old. He is rather annoying and if the bitch doesn't leave me alone soon, I swear I am going to blow. How many times can I tell him: "Yes, Teef, I am EXHAUSTED (even when I'm not) and so ready for the weekend." "Oh yes Teef, it's just one more week till Christmas. I know, I can't wait either."
Fucking snore!
Can you just stay in your office and act like a boss? Or at least like a guy who has some sort of work to do?

Next topic...

Paul has been living here for exactly 10 days now. In those 10 days, we have "hooked up" once; the night he got here.
It's starting to worry me a bit.
Yes, I am gone most of the time, at one job or another, but is this really the reason why we aren't physical with eachother?
Over the last week I seem to have developed a horrible body image.
See, while Paul doesn't have the body that I desire, I CERTAINLY do not have the body he desires, and it is becoming increasingly more obvious to me.
He is nice to me and all and it's not like he calls me "blobby" or "fats Mcfats", but at the same time, his body is better than mine and suddenly I am feeling really horrible about the way I look naked. I am sure that I am doing this to myself.
I have a tendency to beat myself up over things that are totally inconsequential.
I don't know.
Either way, I feel shitty about the stomach, ass, and thighs issue.
Why don't I just grow a fucking vagina already?
I think it may be time for me to really start eating a bit healthier. Smaller portions, less grease, not late at night, etc.
I am 25 years old and I am tired of having a blah body. I want to have a hot body. I want to feel healthy and feel confident when I take my shirt off. These are things that everyone probably wants, but it's time for me to stop my complaining and just take care of it. Then maybe if I do, Paul will start to build up his bod a bit.
At least one can hope.
If not, I will body slam him.
Cuz by then I will be big and buff.
So I wonder why Paul and I haven't been affectionate. Last night the reason was because I was a fat ass.
Two days ago it was because he just didn't like me anymore.
Tomorrow it will probably be because I have black shoes with buckles on.

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking about how many guys I have hooked up with.
As we all know, I am a virgin when it comes to the anal penetration, but dick sucking...yikes.
I counted 8 different guys. There was one more guy, but I just played with his cock and balls a bit. :)
I keep saying that I don't want to commit to Paul completely because I need to experience other guys.
But really? Aren't 8 dicks in my mouth enough? Isn't it time for me to TRY to block out all of my other sexual conquests?
I am confused. When you are in love, are you to never have other thoughts?
No, that's foolish.
Of course you have other thoughts.
But should you go looking and pursuing these other thoughts?
Cuz I do and usually on a daily basis.
When is it all going to click?

On Tuesday night, when Paul and I were having our "serious talks", one of the biggest topics we discussed was our fear of this relationship not working out the way we thought it would.
For one, he is afraid that once we have sex, he will realize that he is a bottom. This is a BIG fear of mine too, cuz although I have yet to have a dick in my ass, I KNOW that I want to be the receiver. Paul asked how I know and I couldn't explain it coherently, except to say that when I jerk off and think about having sex, I am always getting it in the ass.
Paul seems to think that he is versatile. He wants to give and receive. He also seems to think that I am going to love sticking it in and will eventually become a top and bottom (versatile like him).
But that will never happen and I know it.
So the problem here lies in the fact that if we are both bottoms, all we will be able to do sexually is slam our asses against eachother.
Hmmmm....
This problem leads into MY biggest fear about our relationship...

I am so nervous that we are going to figure out that we are extremely intense best friends, but that that is as far as it will ever go.

How do you know the difference between love and sex? How do you know when the two just aren't working together in a beautiful cohesive manner?
Paul isn't as worried as I am about us figuring out that we are just friends.
He thinks that, mostly, because he is secure in how he feels about me.
I am secure in where our relationship is now.
But that is about it.
I can't predict the future or how our lives will be after sex.

S:Dhjif :LKSDJ F:SDKLHJGDL:KH!!!!!!!!

I have no idea. Everything is changing around me and I can't control any of it. I have major control issues and I am finding that as life goes on, there are fewer and fewer things in my life that I have control over.
I hate curve balls.
I hate anything I don't understand.
I hate not being able to live my life the way I want to live it. I guess I am going to have to learn how to deal with this.
But I am not ready.
Not yet.

What do I want?
I want my friends to be chill.
I want my boyfriend to want me and love me the way I always thought my boyfriend would.
I want my parents to let me live my life at my own pace.
I want my brother to leave the ARMY.
I want to get my act together in all areas of my life, not just those that are work related.
I want to live a healthier existence.
And most of all...
I just want to be understood and in turn, be happy.
But really...is any of this possible?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Paul and I went to "Tom's Restaurant" (of Seinfeld fame) for lunch. I always get the open grilled cheese sandwich, but today decided to try the chicken souvlaki. Cuz I LOVE me some chicks and souvlaks. However, it was the nastiest thing I have ever had. The chicken looked like Pimento loaf and it was served with honey mustard.
Honey mustard?!?!?!
oh yeah Tom, VERY Greek.
In any case, I ate as much as I could and watch Paul HOUSE his chicken salad salad. No really, that's what it was called.
He had chicken salad on a salad.
Sick.
But he ate every bite.
As I was walking back to my building I looked back to see if he was still looking at me and I noticed that he was. We kept looking back at eachother over and over until he disappeared behind the local food mart.
It was all very sappy and annoying.
And I loved every second of it.
Only 6 more hours until I get to go back to bed.
Thank the goodness of the Lord.

Ugh.
Wednesdays are such shit. Once Thursday hits, the week gets SO much better. I know we all feel this way. However, today is making me want to run far far away.
I just want the day to be over. I wish I could fast forward until 12am when I will be warm and happy in bed.
But alas...
Paul and I had happy hour at his apartment last night. I picked up some wine on the way over and we talked and drank until about 7:30pm and then got dressed in our prettiest and went over to Beige to have a couple of drinks. I felt so NY when I was with him last night. Big and tough Paul was showing quite a few signs of insecurity and that made me feel as though he is finally understanding how hard it is to live in NYC. Visiting is one thing, staying here is totally another.
But alas...
Ok, can I stop with the "but alas" shit?
Usually, Paul and I don't function well at gay bars together. He tends to be a bit overprotective of me and he gets all crazy sometimes. Last night was not this way. Last night, we just talked and talked until both of our mouths were ripping off at the hinges. I mean, we covered everything from losing our virginity to eachother, to what secrets we have that no one knows about.
(there is still one I haven't told him, no matter how much he begged)
I am sure he has a few skeletons in his closet. And also some gay spiders too.
I do have to say that Paul surprised me with some great shit last night.
He only buys milk and orange juice for his pad. He doesn't believe in Kool-Aid or Iced Tea or soda. But that's all I drink. So last night I come home to find a box of Kool-Aid Koolers in the fridge. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I am not really a fan of sugar pouches, no matter how much the company decorates the product, but I chugged down three of them in 5 minutes anyway. He also bought me an Arizona Iced Tea, which was pretty sweet of him.
Then, the coup de resistance, he rented a movie called L.I.E., which I have been dying to see. How did he know to get that? I had never mentioned it to him before.
It was random and so wonderful.
I told him that he shocks me with how incredible he is every single day.
We did spend alot of the night in heated discussion about one thing or another.
But unlike the past, we get over any argument in about 5 minutes and are back to being happy with eachother.
It was never like that before. There was always one of us threatening the other person with some sort of bullshit. But now, we just get over it and try our damndest to make attempts at being mature, responsible adults.
Overall, I had a very nice time with Paul last night.
I am waiting for him to come up to my work to take me to lunch now. I want grilled cheese, but I know he is going to make me get a salad.
Fine.
I like salad with tons of BLUE CHEESE on it!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
and also
boh.
While I was on the subway last night, going to his apartment, I had my headphones on and wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me.
Suddenly, this man with no legs...and I mean NO legs, not even stumps, goes scooting by in front of me jingling a cup and asking for change.
I was like "WHA?", cuz I mean, NO LEGS!
I gave him the change I had in my pocket and then I lowered my head to either laugh or cry. I don't know.

Kelly and Rita have decorated our apartment all Christmasy! Is Christmasy spelled Christmassy?
Thats weird looking.
So, Kelly and Rita have decorated our apartment all Christmasy and I get to see it tomorrow night.
We are going out to dinner with Paul as well, to celebrate the holidays. Kelly has picked a place called "Cafe Orlin" and I am much excited to go and have a wonderful dinner with friends.
Hopefully Kelly will sexy dance for our waitress.
Give her a bottle of wine and I think that is a guarantee...
Tonight I work at the Gap. I have to walk in with a very sad face on. I really hate having to go and it has been so nice to have the past two days off. It felt like I had a life again!
Ah well...
I am off Thursday-Saturday, so that will be nice.
I am supposed to go to a party at this kid Ian's house on Friday, but Paul is not a huge fan of him.
Probably cuz I sucked Ian's dick last summer.
I mean really Paul...can't you just get over it already?
Paul and I had a really long talk about him and he is finally willing to get to know him a bit better. We will go to the party from 10-11pm and then we run away as fast as we can.
Ian has a roommate named "Will" who is probably one of the worst people ever. He's just gross gay. You know how that goes.
Will will be all over me until the minute I leave the party. Paul will probably punch Will in the face by the end of the first round of drinks.
Snores.
Alright, Paul is finally here for our lunch date.
YUM!
I don't know what I should eat first...
His dick or my grilled cheese.
maybe both at the same time.
SLURP!

OOH!
One more thing!
Another great thing that happened today, as if anything great actually happened today...
oh yeah...no work tonight...that's pretty great.
In any case, we got bonus's at work today! A good bonus too! Over a hundred bucks bonus!
bonus BONUS bonus.
Sometimes this shit hole that I work at ain't quite so shitty.
Seriously.

no.

seriously.

hahahahahaha
pth.

Oh yeah, I am not working tonight afterall.
I need more time to heal my broken heart.

So Paul and I are hanging out alone tonight. We are going to Beige for some drinks. But not until we have watched the SIMPSONS together. How fun! I haven't seen the Simpsons in about 3 years. Tonight is the test to see how Paul and I do at a gay bar alone. Usually we aren't so good. I have the "roving eye" and he plays the part of "bitter jealous boyfriend".
Will definitely check in here tomorrow to report on the nights' happenings.
PEAYCE!

Which Piercing are you?

I just had the most adorable break.
I had nothing to do today, so I walked around our building trying to find somewhere to rest my eyes. Every single room was occupied, so I went down to the spot that I have been using for the last couple of days.
There is a little room next to the front desk that has some chairs, blankets, and pillows set up. When I sleep there, Pedro, the front door man, lets me go in there and use the space. Today he wanted to sleep in there too. So, I tell him to sleep next to me.
The two of us laid there, next to eachother sleeping. It was so cute. But, I have to admit that it was like sleeping next to a full grown papa bear. There was gurgling, choking, and some kind of wheezing that I am SURE isn't normal coming from a 40 year old man.
But who knows. He was very tired.
I also should point out that one of my co-workers, who is a female but has been called "androgenous" on numerous occassions, now has the same exact Gap sweater that I have.
She wore hers yesterday and I am wearing mine today.
If she is half a woman and I am half a woman and we are both wearing the sweater on the same day, does that make us one full woman?

HOT!

I think this has been the longest I have ever gone without writing. I have been inundated with life's bullshit and I had a hard time making my way back to this poor lil' journal of mine.
But here I am, back and with a smile on my face.
:-D <---------------- see? smile!
Where to begin....
hmmmmm......
Paul moved back to Boston. Things just didn't work out. He and I found ourselves fighting non-stop, so he cancelled his lease and moved back. It was such a waste of a trip.
hahaha. imagine? Quite the contrary. Things between he and I are going so well and I have never been happier in our relationship. Being around eachother so much has enabled us to really get to know eachother better. Or at least, get to know our relationship better. I am not as much of a bitch as I used to be, I have so much more kindness and patience with him now that I know that I can see him whenever I want, AND most importantly...my love for him grows stronger with each word that comes out of his mouth.
Overall we are much nicer to eachother. He says stupid shit, but then APOLOGIZES for it. In turn, I accept the apology and keep my smart ass retorts to myself. Well, sometimes I let a few slip out, but he handles them better now knowing that there are only a few. He misses me when I am gone during the day. He calls more. It's just SO MUCH BETTER for our relationship now that he lives in NYC.
I told him this morning, that I might not stay there tonight (for reasons which I will explain in a minute) and he was like "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" And I said: "Cuz I want to". And he gave me sad face until I left to go to work.
Who replaced my old Paul with this wonderfully sweet person?
I love him.
I was supposed to work last night. But you see...what happened was.....
I told them that my uncle died yesterday. (um!) I know. But I did. I was supposed to work a shift this Friday night from 10pm-7am and I just REALLY didn't want to do it. It kills my whole weekend. AGAIN! And it's CHRISTMAS TIME! AND I HATE THE GAP!
Anyway, since the "funeral" is on Friday, I can't work the shift. They were INCREDIBLY understanding and told me to take last night off too. I got back to Paul's place around 7pm and we had a "toasted almond" and then went to a sushi restaurant.
Ok...Joe CuttheShit doesn't go out for sushi. Joe CuttheShit goes out for McDonald's only. But I went and I tried so many new things and guess what??? I LOVED IT! I had California Rolls (which I knew I liked thanks to Rita) and also I had Philadelphia Maki and Alaskan Maki. Now I know that these are probably the most generic sushi items that you can get, but I still ate them and loved it! They had cream cheese in them for Pete's sake! I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
Asian people are pretty nice too.
They smile and work fast.
haha.
sike.
hmmmm....
sorta sike.
Paul's roommate, Lisa, went with us and that was interesting. She is a very unique individual. And I don't mean that in a nice way. She's kind of hard to talk to. I mean, she is fine...but definitely gives me some pause. I don't know...it might take time before I fully understand what she is all about. Paul's other roommate, Jen, is unique as well, although "unique" in a way that Lisa is not. But still not in an overly good way.
Do you understand what I am trying to say?
Lisa and Jen are not the devils of doom, but they are definitely not the angels of fun. Hmmm...
I am being very vague about them, but that's because I feel like it's not right for me to judge them yet.
Once I get to know them better I will give a little more detail.
Or at least judge them a little more critically.
hee.
After Sushi dinner, Paul took me over to Pommes Frites and I chowed down on some MAJOR FRIES! I got a "double" and here are the dipping sauces that Paul and I shoved into our mouths: Cheddar Cheese, Ketchup, Tartar Sauce (Paul's horrible pick), Blue Cheese (my wonderful pick), and the best of all Rosemary Garlic Mayo! -----> that one was jizzmatic.
The double size is enormous, but I had no problem fitting in all in my stomach. Even after 15 maki rolls.
And the best part about this wonderful restaurant is that it is right around the block from Paul's apartment! ROCK!
It was quite a wonderful evening. Well, except for the fact that we watched Death to Smoochy, which sucked my asshole dry.
I was in bed by 12am and HAPPILY got to sleep for 8 hours!
I have to call the Gap in a little bit and feel it out. If they tell me to take another night off to "get myself emotionally together" then I totally will! YAY!
I think I was most impressed with the fact that literal tears rolled down my face while I talked to my manager last night. Told you I was a good actor. The gift is still there, even if a little rusty.
Last Wednesday night, Kelly, Rita, Paul and I went out for drinks and had plans to go see the Christmas Tree lighting at Rockefeller. Well, of COURSE by the time we were going to get our drunk asses over there, the roads were all blocked off and we just went home. We had fun any way and Kelly "sexy danced" her night away.
No, I'm not kidding. While acting out our craziness at my apartment, in Queens, Kelly sexy danced in her bra and jeans for at least an hour and a half. She was grinding my leg, the frame to my bedroom door, and Paul until the wee hours of the morning. In between grinding, Kelly would go tearing through the house attacking me from every angle. At one point, she took her nails and dragged them down my neck in typical Freddy Krueger style. Although painful, I laughed my ASS off all night long.
It was amazing fun.
What else big happened?
OH!
On Friday night, Paul, Rita, Mariah and I hung out and had a buh buh buh blast! We were supposed to go the West Village, but ended up at Cedars, this cute hole in the wall for french fries and drinks. Hanging out with Mariah is always amazing. She and I were able to jam out to the Justin Timberlake CD for hours and that is just about my favorite thing to do. Mariah and I always put in our favorite cd and then try to teach eachother new parts to the song, although Mariah is much better at it than I am. She discovers hidden riffs everywhere and I always stand there sheepish.
Paul actually didn't drink much that night and was sober by 2am. I, on the other hand, was buh buh blasted and kept him up until 4:30am with my incessant rambling. At one point, he told me that I always have to be the "life of the party" and that I "don't give anyone else a chance to have the spotlight". That hurt my feelings a bit and I thought about it all day on Saturday. When I got home that night, I apologized to him for doing that and he said that he was sorry for making me feel bad about it.
Paul is not totally right in what he said, but he does have a point. I need to take the step back sometimes. I don't need to be in control of everything. It's hard not to act like that.
I don't know.
I'm not ready to deal with it yet.
so i run away.
but with my spotlight off and my mouth closed.
I will be better.
Okay, I have to go play now. I have spent too much time writing diligently in my journal.
Time to go partake in some sexy talk online.
Then off to have a cigarette, roll with butter, and vitamin water.
Then write in here again.
Then lunch.
Then sexy talk until I spend the last hour of my day doing actual work.
mmmmm....sexy talk.
Promise not to take such a long hiatus next time.
Promise with my entire nut sack.

I have no idea who the fuck this guy is, but the quiz totally pinned the kind of guy that makes me wet


Which JQTRA Guy is for You?
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Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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SO!
It is Wednesday. Fuck yeah. I don't have to work tonight, I don't have to work tonight. The minute I walked out of the Gap last night, my heart jumped in my chest and I felt ALIVE again! Not having to go back until tomorrow night. Amazing. I could sit in my bedroom and stare at the wall all night and I would still feel just as happy not to have to work a 15 hour day. Everyone said that I would really start to value my free time and wasn't that the truth. I have about 2 hours a day to do what I want to do. These hours are always between 12-2am. While not the best time of day to put in a movie or read a book, just being able to sit and talk with someone is usually more than good enough.
Paul and I were talking last night about how little I have actually seen him since he moved in. Although I haven't been home since Sunday, the only thing that is really different since Paul's move, is where I lay my head at night. He understands that I have to work as much as I do, as most of my friends do, but at the same time I know he is a bit disappointed that I am not around to play with. Both figuratively and literally.
We made a "date" for Saturday night. Of course I have to work all fucking day, but I get off at 8pm and we are going to go on the first of what I hope is many dates. Probably dinner and a movie. Maybe we will try to get some RENT tickets for that night. Who knows, just as long as I get to hang out with him for more than an hour before I have to rush my ass to bed. While not seeing him enough is rather disheartening, just being able to sleep in bed with him every night is making my life so much happier. It's no fun working 70 hours a week, but when you know that you are going to be able to crawl into bed with your boyfriend that night, the day just seems to have a coating of "good" all over it. That "coating" is jizz.
I hope you realize that.
You do realize that.
Slurp.
OMIGOD! Everyone I work with is at a Board Meeting and since they have left, this place has been nothing short of a living nightmare. The phone is going crazy and I am about ready to rip someone's cunt off. Specifically this one bitch who keeps calling our office over and over and over and over. Fucking bitch! You see, I call her a bitch, cuz she is a secretary that is telling me to do something that HER boss wants HER to do. Whatever, long story and too annoying to get into. This lady sucks my cock.
Okay...vented and got that shit out.
Our housekeeper broke her front tooth last night on a piece of rice. There is a huge gaping hole in her mouth. I could tell she was upset this morning. Then she showed me the space in between her teeth and my heart smashed into a million pieces. Poor thing.
Paul is going food shopping today, thank GOD! Paul's roommate, Jen, brought down a HUGE cooked ham with her. Don't ask why...it's a tad random that her mom made a Thanksgiving feast and then made a 20lb ham to bring to NYC. But whatever...
So we have been eating nothing, but ham sandwiches, grilled ham, plain ham, ham with water, etc. I must admit that it is the best ham I have ever had, but ere'day? Too much ham for this boy. I won't be having any more until Easter.
Great, I can hear the elevator coming. Let it be an asshole...let it be an asshole...I am so ready to punch someone in their ugly face right now.
Tonight I have to stop by Mama Mia to get tickets for my mom. Every year she buys tickets to a show for my parents, my grandmother, and me. This year we tried to get Into the Woods tickets, but the show is closing. I was VERY disappointed. So Mama Mia it is. That's fine. Not my first pick, but who am I to complain? After I pick up the tickets, Paul and I are meeting up with Rita and Kelly to see the Christmas Tree lighting in Rockefellar Center. Paul thinks it's the dumbest idea on the planet and was even more irate about us not going to a gay bar for drinks, but I laid the smack down on this event. He can suck it up and go. And he better LOVE it or no dick action for him tonight.
Is it wrong that I am most excited for bed tonight than anything else? Is it possible that I am going to have 7 or 8 hours of sleep tonight??? ROCK! I am so used to laying my head down for 4 hours and then getting up as though I never laid down to begin with. And I get to have drinks tonight too! That NEVER happens. AND AND AND I GET TO BE IN MY OWN BED IN MY OWN APARTMENT. YES!
Sorry these entries have been so mundane these days...but when your head buzzes all day long from lack of sleep this is the writing that spews forth.
The writing will become a lot more interesting once the end of January comes and I get some sleep.
Until then, bear with my text-bookish entries.
I gotta go talk to Mariah now.

As of this moment, my bosses are deciding whether or not to close our building due to the fact that it is about 60 degrees in here. The heat is busted and we are all walking around in jackets, gloves, hats, and the such. It's quite awful. My fingers are killing me. I am convinced that if I type too fast, one of my digits is going to snap right at the keyboard. No blood will come out, cuz obviously that froze hours ago.
The Gap went very well last night. They put me on cash register AGAIN! I told them that I wanted to be on the floor because I fucked up so much on Sunday night. They were like: "But we want you to be on register." I agreed with major hesitation and then suddenly I was register genius! I didn't have any voids and I was breezing through each transaction. At one point, a manager comes up to me and says: "Joe, cancel that transaction right now". I thought I was in trouble for something. As I go to ask him what the problem is, he says: "Miss, you have been banned from the store on numerous occassions. Leave now." She flipped out claiming that she didn't do anything wrong and eventually the security guard grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the building.
It was quite exciting.
I got to Paul's apartment at about 12:30am and was unpleasantly surprised to find out that he was not there. I started to get a bit frustrated with him because it is so typical for him to be more concerned about going out for drinks than it is for him to make sure that I could depend on him.
Luckily I found him in a bar down the street. Don't ask me how I knew he was there, I just did. I walked in and without screaming and yelling, told him that I thought he was completely undependable and that I needed the keys now. He gave them to me and said something about loving me, but I was already out the door by that point.
As I was getting my clothes ready for the next day, he came home and apologized and gave me the biggest, longest hug. I explained, very calmly, that I need him to be responsible when it comes to circumstances that are out of my control, but still affect me. I think he got the point, but with Paul you never know.
We stayed up talking and laughing until about 2am and then I just had to go to bed. As we were falling asleep, he said "I love you" (he said it first again!) and then he combed his fingers through my hair until I went to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night he was reasting his hand on the top of my head. It was incredibly romantic and sweet. The 5 hours I spent with Paul yesterday (although all of them spent sleeping) was the best part of my whole day.
I am so happy he's here.
Tomorrow night, he and I are meeting up with Kelly and Rita for drinks and then we are heading over to Rockefellar Center to see the lighting of the big Christmas Tree. It is nice to do NY'ish things once in a while. I am THRILLED to have the night off from the Gap. I am actually staying at my house in Queens for the night. It was like pulling teeth to get Paul to agree to stay there instead of in the village. He doesn't see why we should ever go to Queens.
He will learn his lesson. I just want to give him a couple days before I start laying on the guilt that I have an apartment that I love too. We will see.
So cold......
so cold.
Getting ready to go into my boss's office to tell him that I am calling it quits for the day.
Cuz really...........................BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTO!
yum.
I am doing my absolute best to quit biting my fingernails. I actually have some white on the tips of the nails now. It's pretty great. The only thing is that dirt gets under them and then I have to eat it. I want to have some salt and ketchup with my fingernail dirt.
Some nice garlic, or rosemary...

:-O***

I guess that's it for today. It's so freezing that my nuts have suctioned up into my body. They are gone now. Hibernating, I suppose.
Time for me to go do the same...

[BigBody]